Ren the Cowardly Ninja
by Chocolate Ham Patties
Summary: Not all ninjas can be ready to sacrifice their lives at a moment's notice. In fact, Ren doesn't think self-sacrifice is worth it.  Ever. And that Gai needs to cut back on the spandex, but that's another story.
1. In Which Ren Goes to Therapy

I loathe Mondays. There is just something foul about the way a cold hard work day slaps you in the face after two whole blessed days of freedom. Of course, in my case, the work was hardly strenuous—I worked at Icharu's Flowers, a little shop just down the street from my flat. And to be _completely _fair, it wasn't even my real job. I was only working there for a while to keep me busy until my latest injury could heal and I could get back to completing missions.

"Hey, Ren!" That abominably cheerful voice would be my cousin, Icharu. He came bursting through the door looking, as usual, like a Labrador on drugs.

"Hey, Icharu," I replied, rather quieter, hobbling around the counter on crutches that I am _still _forced to wear, nearly a week later. "Why are you here so early?"

"Come to replace yah, darling!" he said cheerfully, throwing an unwanted arm around my shoulders. "Don't tell me you forgot? You've an appointment today!"

"I was trying to." I grumbled, shrugging him off. He just laughed heartily and bustled me to the door, chattering happily about anything and everything.

He blew me a kiss as I tottered off down the street, which I promptly returned with a rude hand gesture.

The only thing I hate more that Mondays are my bi-weekly therapy sessions.

"Goddammnit," I hissed, as yet another nameless attendant joined in the torture session.

"Just a little bit father, Ren-chan!" She chirped cheerfully, hauling brutally on my aching, straining leg.

"You're gonna break it again, you vile woman!" I shouted, trying to shove her off. She just gave an incredibly annoying tinkly little laugh and hauled harder, till I was almost crying with the pain.

"There! All done! Don't you feel better now?"

God. She was so cheerful, it hurt.

I glared.

"Oh, Ren-chan" she said, as if I'd done something amusing, "You're so silly sometimes! Don't you want to go to the hot springs? Neh?"

I brightened considerably. The hot springs were just the thing to ease my poor, aching muscles after all that torture. She must have read it in my face, because she was already there with my crutches and a stack of towels.

The hot springs were barely a mile out of town—a spare minute away, were I in better condition. As it was, though, it took us almost half an hour of me alternately hobbling painfully while the attendant carried my crutches, and finally swallowing my pride and asking for them back.  
>By the time we reached the springs, I was so happy to see them I could cry.<p>

"Ren-chan," cried the attendant, dumping the towels and taking my crutches, "Isn't it just beautiful?"

I had to agree. The spring, at one point, had been planted all round with cherry trees, and they were all in bloom now, coating the surface of the steaming water with delicate pink petals.  
>We both stripped, I trying <em>not <em>to look at my leg, while I felt the attendant's eyes practically burning it. I knew what she was looking at. It was still shiny and puckered with scar tissue. When Tsunade was healing it, she was concentrating on getting the bone and muscle to mend, and not so much on the skin.

I didn't like to look at it. It was a gruesome reminder of the way the jagged bone had burst through the skin when it broke.

I shuddered gently at the heat of the water when I lowered myself into the springs. It was blissful to my aching leg, and equally soothing to my aching head. There was a light splash as the attendant slipped in too, and we both leaned back against the natural rock ledges, eyes closed.

"Y'know," I said sleepily, "I never got your name." Not that I cared too much, but I supposed I owed it to her to at least ask her name.

"Ah. It's Yuuki, neh?"

Hmm. Yuuki. I grunted, relaxing further into the heat.

It felt like only seconds later that an amused voice was calling, "Ren-chan, ren-chan, wake up!", and an unwelcome hand was shaking me.

I came to slowly, feeling sluggish and irritable. It was lucky for Yuuki that I was feeling too groggy to string words together, or she'd be getting a piece of my mind.

"Here, Ren-chan," she said, handing me a towel as I hauled myself out, feeling terrifyingly pruney. "You shouldn't stay too long in the hot springs."

I took the towel, noticing with a faint twinge of guilt that she was already dressed, and appeared completely dry.

"Did you wait for me long?" I asked, rubbing at the damp tendrils of hair clinging to my neck that had come loose from my bun.

"Ah, it's no problem, Ren-chan!" She chirped, just as cheerful as ever, "I enjoyed our time."

I had to snort at that one. 'Our time' my ass—we'd exchanged maybe three words, and then I fell asleep. But whatever. I supposed I couldn't stop her if she wanted to treat this like some bonding experience.

After my nap and soak, my leg was feeling much better. I walked almost the entire way back without my crutches—an accomplishment which Yuuki praised me for enthusiastically when we reached the hospital.

I was just leaving the hospital, feeling much more nimble on my crutches than ever, and even considering ditching them, when—

"Ren, my youthful flower!"

I took a cautious…hobble…back, knowing Gai's tendency to give out crushing bear hugs at random intervals, and smiled.

"Gai-san. Nice to see you again—how've you been?"

He smiled blindingly back, and wrapped an entirely unwelcome arm around my shoulders—a position made intensely awkward by my crutches.

"I have been prospering, Ren-flower! But we should be talking about you! It is wonderful to see you out and enjoying the youthful spring air! How is your leg?" He replied, practically shouting, as usual, directly into my ear. I winced, and slipped, as politely as possible out from under his arm.  
>"Ah," My leg. I looked down, and wiggled it a bit, gauging. "Feels alright, I guess. I still have to go to that devilish therapy for it, but Tsunade said I should be out on missions again in a few days. Easy ones, at first, till I get back to full strength." I sighed, already bored of the tedious missions that were sure to come. I'd probably be back rescuing cats with the genin.<p>

"Ah! That is good news, Ren-flower! You must allow me to escort you to lunch to celebrate!" he cried, giving me a double thumbs up and a blinding smile.

"Ahh, Gai-san, I don't know if I should—"

"I insist! This is an occasion for—Kakashi! My eternal rival!" He shouted suddenly, waving wildly at a vaguely familiar white-haired figure slouching down the street. I blinked.  
>This is an occasion for….Hatake Kakashi? I seriously doubted this was the case. If anything, he'd only make Gai more excitable—if that were even <em>possible. <em>As such, I attempted a quick escape while he was distracted.

"Ah, Gai-san, I really have to—" I started, already backing away.

"Kakashi!" He shouted, throwing a heavy arm back around my shoulders, "Kakashi, we're celebrating Ren-flower's astounding recovery! "

… I sighed.

Of course we were.

By the time we finally reached the restaurant, it was no longer lunchtime, and we'd picked up around ten assorted Jonin—very few of whom I was familiar with. Genma was at least a familiar face, and I knew Kurenai and Asuma fairly well. Anko had molested me once, so I sort of knew her. The rest were almost complete strangers.

I hobbled along after the group, wishing I dared just leave. It seemed rather rude, though, since they had—technically, at least—gathered in my honor.

Being the last one in the door, is slammed shut painfully on my heels. I gave out a hissing stream of swearwords, stumping angrily through the crowded room to the table they'd chosen.

There were no seats left.

I stood there, feeling incredibly awkward and excluded. And more than a little bit pissed off.

"Y'know? I think I'll just—" I started to hobble away again, fuming silently.

"Ren-flower! Where are you going?"

I turned slowly, counting under my breath to hold in my temper. "Home, Gai." I said shortly,

"Enjoy your lu—dinner."

He looked hurt. Everybody else was silent, until Asuma grinned, jostling over closer to Kurenai, and called jovially, "Come on, Ren. We can make room, come sit down. Stop being so antisocial and chill out for a while."

I sighed, suppressing a few choice words, and leaned my crutches against the wall. Walking the last few steps to the table, I didn't miss how every eye was watching my faint limp like a hawk. It was infuriating. I returned all their stares with narrowed eyes.

By the time everybody moved around, I ended up sandwiched between the obnoxiously huge, muscled Gai and his "eternal rival" Hatake Kakashi. It was terribly uncomfortable. For one thing, Gai was all bone and muscle, and for another, he was embarrassingly clad only in skin-tight spandex. I was loathe to get to close when he was wearing that getup—can we say awkward?—and the quiet jonin on my other side was no better. I mean, sure, he was wearing a fairly cushy and non-embarrassing vest, but he was also the man who walked around the village reading _porn. _

So I sat as upright and compact as possible, muscles aching from the cramped position. I wasn't really listening to the conversation—just watching the sake in my cup as I swirled it idly. It was a great surprise to me, then, when Gai swung a heavy arm around my shoulder, laughing uproariously.

I stared at his flushed face in surprise.

"Are you _drunk?" _

"Courshe not, my beaufiti—befuti—pretty flower," he slurred, grinning. I scanned the faces all around me, noting that all of them—with the exception of Kurena—were flushed red with drink.  
>When had <em>that <em>happened?

"It didn't even take an hour. It's probably a record," said Kakashi from beside me. I'd forgotten about him. Somewhere in there, though, he'd pulled out a little orange book and proceeded to ignore the rest of us. This was the first time I'd heard him speak since we got to the restaurant.

"…Yeah. " I struggled for something else to say, and settled for draining the rest of my sake. I was surprised to recall that this was far from my first or second cup. If memory served—which it probably didn't—I had drained nearly an entire bottle.

No wonder I was feeling so tired.

I didn't much get drunk like other people—not unless I'd been doing some real hardcore drinking—but I got incredibly tired, and often extremely emotional.

I leaned back against the worn seat padding, fighting back a truly jaw-cracking yawn. It wasn't very comfortable, but I was drifting off nonetheless.

Or, I was until Gai grabbed me by the face, yelling excitedly about "My adorrr'ble Ren-chan! You look sho cute shleepin' on Kak'shi like that!"

I blinked at him stupidly. I hadn't been sleeping on Kakashi. That would be extremely stupid and—I blinked, and peeled my cheek off the rough fabric of a jounin vest, suppressing an embarrassed blush.

"I think I'm gonna turn in," I said quietly, despite the fact that they weren't really paying attention. It was mostly only so I couldn't be yelled at later for 'running out' "Thank you all for dinner."  
>I vaguely wondered if we'd ever actually gotten around to eating, or it if we'd just started with the sake straight off, and eventually decided that I didn't really care.<p>

"I'll walk you home," announced Kakashi, snapping his book shut.

Gai started cooing in the background about 'Kakashi's youthful love' while I just stared.

"Uh…Thanks..?" I managed, shimmying out of the booth after him.

It wasn't until we were already halfway to my house—a walk that had, previously, been spent in silence—that I figured out why he'd seized his opportunity to leave when he did.

I smiled.

"I wonder who's gonna get stuck with the bill."

Kakashi didn't say anything, just gave me a weird little happy squinty eye and then buried his face back in his book.

… That must've been some book.

**Author note: **Alright, here's the beginning of another foray into the wonderful world of Naruto fanfiction, even though I said 'never again.' This chapter is more of a preview than anything, just to establish Ren and her relationship with the other jounin and suchlike. The next chapter'll have more action, I promise.

Not gonna beg, but I WOULD appreciate some reviews :P


	2. In Which Shizune is Not Amused

I woke up to the unpleasant sight of my own bedroom, strewn with clothes, and weapons, and kami-knows-what else.

I groaned. My leg felt stiff and painful, and my head throbbed something fierce. _And, _I remembered with another, rather louder groan, the Hokage had told me to come see her today.  
>And I was completely hung-over. Great.<p>

Grumbling to myself, and resisting the strong urge to bury my head back in the pillows, I slimed out of bed and stripped off the civilian clothes I'd been wearing last night. I pulled on the first pair of baggy blue ninja pants I could find, hoping they didn't have any blood on them and they smelled okay.

Most of my clothes were dirty, I realized, because I'd been putting off doing my laundry for weeks now. Reminding myself to do it after the meeting, I pulled on the first clean thing that came to hand—a black tank-top and my jonin vest.

Not very classy looking, but it would do.

I ate breakfast standing up, with my leg propped up on the tale to stretch it out. Not that it didn't hurt like bloody hellfire, but it would hurt worse later, if I didn't. Yuuki would make sure of that.  
>I sent the crutches a nasty glare, and left them there. I was tired of lugging them around everywhere. I was a ninja, right? I could handle something as simple as <em>walking.<em>  
>Sending dirty looks at everyone who stared at me (Couldn't a girl be injured in peace?) I managed to make it to the Hokage's tower without killing anyone for ogling my limp.<p>

The stairs were a bit of a problem, once I got inside, but I managed it. Not without lots of angry cursing and grunting, but I _did _manage it.

And it wasn't worth it.

Because when I finally made it into the Hokage's office, I was greeted by a _very _drunken Tsunade. She was leaning over her desk with her ten-pound boobs squishing all over the place, waving a bottle of sake and shouting at Shizune, who looked terribly embarrassed.

"I'm so sorry, Ren-san," she said, grabbing the bottle of sake from Tsunade, who glared at her.  
>"Hey," I snapped, achy and irritable, "<em>you <em>called _me _here. So what did you want?"

"Ren! Watch –hic- yourself. I am the –hic- hokage. Y'know?" She leaned back in her chair, pulling another bottle of sake out of….well who _knows _where. Hopefully from somewhere in her desk, and not somewhere ….else. I wouldn't put it past her to have sake bottles stuffed in her bra.

If she was _wearing _a bra, that is.

"Yeah, I know," I said, digging my nails into my palm and trying to sound at least a little polite, "….Hokage-sama. You wanted to see me?"

After this I was going to the training grounds and destroying some shit, leg or no leg.

"Yeah," said the blond woman, sobering up remarkably fast for someone who, by the looks of it, had consumed enough alcohol to down an elephant, "Wanted to check up on your…mmmm….whazza word…"

"Leg," supplied Shizune with a definite air of disapproval, dark eyes burning into the sake bottle.  
>I resisted the urge to snort. If the crazy old boob-hag thought I was letting her touch my leg while she was this intoxicated, she was <em>severely <em>mistaken.

"Yeah, that," the old boob-hag said, waving a dismissive hand, "If it'sh alright, you can have a mission."

She started to stand, and I stepped back, completely ready to jump out the window rather than let her manhandle my leg. Thankfully, Shizune stepped in with a stern, "I'll take care of that."

…Thank goodness for that savior woman.

A long argument and a short examination later, I got a convoluted drunken speech from the Hokage, which Shizune translated for me as she showed me out. "You're not well enough for strenuous fighting on that leg yet," she explained, "But it would be equally bad for you to just sit around, so we're sending you along on missions with other jounin until you are fully healed."

…

So now I was going to be a tag along. That sounded...

Annoying as hell.

"Oh no need," I said brightly, smiling to cover my irritated expression, "I'm fine, really. Fit as a fiddle."

...Damn that Shizune and her 'yeah right' stare. She was obviously not buying it.

Double damn.

**Author's note: **Sorry this is so short! I just wanted to get this up here, because this is the end of the whole introduction phase. Now missions (and luuuurve!) can start happening!

SO WHO SHOULD HER FIRST MISSION BE WITH? X333


End file.
